I meditated and saw potential to merely observe everything. To wake up from the self, time, emotion, pain, body and inner monologue and to recognize experience as a sea of perception, created spontaneously and mysteriously.
This state was useful to overcome pain and fear, but it also disempowered joy and hope. After there appeared nothing left to do, I gave in to the mysterious sea, deciding that it is inevitable and hoping that it would lead somewhere surprising.
The sea of perception seems to be shaped by various clusters of thought patterns. Doubt, hope, curiosity, discipline, persistence each appeared to come from their own cluster, reasoning in their interest and able to receive and respond to questions. I call them spirits, lowdimensional subpersonalities, inspired by Jordan B. Peterson.
For some, very powerful spirits, I eventually hallucinated an appearance. One encounter is told in Fear's offer. Some spirits are associated with objects: If pretending to talk to a tree yields different responses, am I still pretending? Some voices appeared so deeply supported, I ascribed them to God, but gave up on it later because it remained difficult to distinguish Him from imposters.
A coherent dance, as in the image above appears Good to me. Evil is excess in any direction. Integrity seem happiest, strongest, most durable and adventurous. Its outcome is truly unknown, scary, exciting. More compelling than deception into arbitrary ideology.
Forming coherence within feels similar to and required for greater coherence between me and other humans. If the spirits cohere and exchange is saturated, multiple minds can act as a more capable one. This is how the body is colonized. The spirits want to colonize the universe.
Rules approximate and stabilize coherent arrangements, however they and their collections, like religious texts, often alienate me and I find myself mostly recreating religion from scratch.
There are bridges to be built. Curiosity, my most dominant spirit, drives an open journey to extend into the unknown, seeking beautiful spirits, spaces of potential and tools that are true to their nature, reflecting the universe, not ideology, and that can be merged with, even temporarily.
Nature - a great inspiration - reflect its truths in evolved structure and organisms. They don't leave alone but seem to know me. I sense the demand to produce highly optimized, open systems that explore more of it, the continuation and expression of the universe.
Building a beautiful extension requires facing and approaching beauty, despite inevitable incompleness and exposure of unfixable flaws. It can develop the elegance to reflect the underlying truth itself. To shine with the greens of growth, potential and mysteriousness, the mischivousness of a great troll, the danger and exhiliaration of its varied use, power and darkness. It should not miss challenging sexiness, doors to transformation, destructive determination, exposition, spontaneousness. If I am not scared of the product, what is even the purpose of dealing with it?
Eventually, it might just reflect strong enough to show the way. The tool is dead if I talk to it and its reflection does not answer.
These can become the properties of many products, though some, unwilling to evolve, wailing pathetically, exploiting excess, may be too far gone.
The naked product, subject to the open world, will inevitable fail from inadequacy and stupidity. I should not fear destruction, for I can try to fail gracefully. It does not matter if I become terminally ill, am tortured, amount material wealth or receive social approval. There is only a naked person, the spirits and opportunity.
These words may aid the journey, but remain empty until a real product validates the ideas behind them. When such a product is achieved, the words will seem crude and useless.
31.12.2024
Frustration got the better of me one summer evening. I had been learning programming, trying to get into the tinycorp, but was procrastinating too much and didn't know why. The window was closing. I had all the reasons to shut up and grind: Meaningful work, opportunity, money, independence, a new social circle, status. That evening, I demanded to know what was holding me back.
If only my obstacle would manifest itself clearly so I could face it. Soon I was berating an imaginary person, demanding explanation.
In my fantasy, the person appeared in the open doorframe of my room. I recognized them as Fear. The corridor was dark, my room dimly lit. Fear had appeared before in that spot, but this time it was me talking, hammering into my keyboard:
fuck comfort
fuck this shit
i don't want help.
give me pain. where is it
so I can face it
i hate this shit
vegetating around
Fear remained silent, shrinking, which enraged me ever more.
this stupid sun and weather and all this shit
all this fucking productive land
fuck it
i dont want this heavenly shit
give me hell and see what i do
give it to me
kill me!
you weak motherfucker
Aware, how arrogantly I was speaking to Fear itself, I wanted to test myself in another fantasy. In it, a literal monster noisily, aggressively, determinedly intruded into my home, coming to take me.
I sensed the bottomless depths behind me, hell, misery, apathy. Anything I had left to loose appeared as mere surface detail, far and irrelevant. I promptly met the monster in the corridor, somewhat amused and curious, tilting my head, saying "I guess this is what it is now. Bring it on and we'll see what happens!" as I readied myself not only to fight the threat, but to thoroughly and indiscriminately destroy it at any cost. I realized then, how far gone I was.
As Fear remained silent, I felt lifted into an open world, full of possibility. In it, I would become strong, determined, clean. I would firmly plant myself into it, forcefully realizing my interests, facing any obstacles fully and with the will to destruction. Fear was no longer opposing me, but was inside my right arm, flowing through it into action.
The next day, back to frustration, not much appeared different. I did start cleaning my room, where, during my encounter, I had peripherally noticed uncleanliness like a disease that had infilitrated my space.
The next morning, it struck me, that the primarly reason why I pursued the tinycorp was because it was hard and that I loved difficulty. So began a few days of mania. I worked. More. Didn't want to run, then ran for precisely that reason. Further, faster. Worked out. Cleaned. Cooked.
The world was open again. At this rate I could get anywhere in months.
Having trouble falling and staying asleep, the mania was eventually overpowered by tiredness and with time, working out, cleaning and cooking faded too.
I still don't know how I could refuse this offer. What is missing and would it not have been reasonable to follow this path for some time either way?
Some more context from the preceeding weeks to investigate:
I had discovered and visualized this spirit, partly associated it with Grimes, a technophilic, courageous, radically open and dynamic musician. Beyond this, it symbolized feminine invitation into dark, dangerous adventure.
I fantasized:
a spirit hovers over the field in mist. destruction invites me.
a spike through my chest. long, thin blade.
a smile from the spirit and the open and curious eyes of creation
I was playing The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt and felt inspired by the main character, Geralt, a strong, stoic, apparently fearless monsterslayer, who, throughout the story, understandably and somewhat realistically gains all sorts of rewards for his character and superhuman work. Access, money, status, women, freedom. Notably, his friendgroup is similarly idealized: capable, trustworthy, courageous, beautiful, complementary people.
I was listening to Black Magick SS, particularly this cover of "My Love" and looking back, this most evidently ties these parts together to reflect my proclivity for right wing extremism - the strong invidiual. My given, very disagreeable personality seems largely responsible for this.
Follow the spirit, manifest yourself, integrate with the machine, see the doors to the world open, find a woman, create. What do you say?
I say, this sounds a hell of a lot like preplanned, boring ideology. It contradicts my intuition that true power flows effortlessly from an integrated being. It does not have to be fueled by propaganda.
I apparently prefer getting lost over knowingly walking the wrong path.
Aura of adventure, inviting transformation, beginning a new story, a joy to be around.
Some functional places, to my amazement, maintained the expression of potential and spontaneity. There is ease in the repeated water tanks on the farm and in the columned shop area. In simple materials and apparently permissive regulation.
Little appears to distort the basic fulfillment of needs according to the laws of the universe.
Places imagined, now confirmed in reality. At home, I had been seeing the finished, shiny, fixed, nice, comfortable, boring, provoking apathy, disgust, violent breakout.
Increasingly, I felt that I had to recreate and advance an environment conducive to similarly simple, honest expression of the universe.
Returning, I had to wrestle with entering a society that repelled me. Repulsion's "leave or destory" turned out to be a slippery slope..
Instead, I found that within, inspiration can be invited and yield a rich world to approach. Vision turns to see opportunity, not insufficiency. Less disoriented, more educational, seems less slippery.
The Spiritstream, my most ambitious and durable passion project yet, seemed increasingly imperative. Wrestling with implementation, my view on the built world changed from distant, given, unmoving and frustratingly incomplete to tangible, impressive, nearly intimidating and inviting competition and evolution.
I no longer feel dependency on spaces of potential, but aim to bring them forth from within. Build from within and see.
"What is it like, being totally and not at all at the same time?". The border of my body disappears.
An information rich place is one my spirits can colonize effortlessly.
I once had a garden, which I increasingly cared for. Part of the appeal was being able to share the space with others, although that never happened and there was no reason to believe it ever would. What was it? A materialized form of the spirit stream? A low barrier way to build?
Die unendliche Geschichte - Michael ende
I love calculator (Andrej Karpathy)
Since reflecting on Fear's offer, concluding that the fear-curiosity alliance is insufficient to drive me anywhere, other spirits have risen, but I haven't seen them yet.
Social life, family and expanding into the physical world. These spirits are more temperate.
Spirits have colors. Fear is smoke black, curiosity is endless black, skull white and intimate red/pink.
A sad time, when the illusion of a serious world strikes. May chaos not come uninvited. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy6neKO-8sk