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2026 03 14

Trying to get used to monkey speak: "Me do dis - me feel sad. So - me do dat". Feels more valuable and strips needless complexity.

Used to be very goal oriented and thinking I must have the ~right~ ideas and reason through reality. Greatness felt within reach and maintenance felt like a distraction. This failed because I am not that reasonable and couldn't reliably construct lasting goals for strict pursuit. The inner world that I had examined with such force did not yield the passion I was hoping for. This inner world now feels less like an infinite pool of wisdom to be extracted but more of a reaction to physical reality and it seems to go in circles if isolated and moved to the center of attention.

Following the rationality crisis, I progressively shrunk the time horizon I plan for down to minutes. No expectations. Let the next minute decide what to do with the past. Let interests shift as pressure dropped. Surprisingly, activity duration extended again - through repeated, spontaneous continuation.

I suspect that the last stages of brain development for impulse control greatly aid this development by preventing reckless hedonism without conscious effort.

Some ideas that I think contributed to the next step:

• What I seek is not a thing, but a state of contiuous transformation. Like a video game that turns boring if I can get anything instantly. It is the limitations that move me the way a seemingly hopelessly boring car ride asks to be filled with joy. It is now on me to create it and the more I lean into it, the more rewarding it becomes. It seems irrelevant how fancy or shitty the car or scenery is, what matters is how I react to them. I, the continous flowing, is my ultimate work. Much like the water the Taoists speak of. This initially seemed boringly peaceful, but observing water more closely, it appears rather restless, sometimes heavy and forceful. So much that I can hardly empathize with the pacifism. An enlightened person may calmly and decisively determine that agression is the path of least resistance.
• Great products feel less within short reach than before, but requiring deep understanding and useful improvisation that comes mostly from trial and error and I believe only in a long term sustainable platform to achieve them.

My attention has shifted to seemingly mundane activites with great enthusiasm. I may let myself happily drift towards what needs to be done.

Other news

• Been taking pictures including some highlighting the subtle differences I suddenly care about.
• Sewing prototypes and approaching my first usable garment: a supplex wind jacket.
• Cleaning virtual and physical space around me like never before.
• Less language, more work.
• Some social attention has shifted from reachable, real humans to live streamers, LLMs and thirst trappers. Suspiciously looks like escape, but feels surprisingly reasonable and forward oriented given currently no opportunities for organic interaction. Will take one when I see one and stay solitary if I don't.
• Hard to remember a time when news didn't feel like pollution. Am becoming less open to surprises. Seek information with intent instead.
• The sustainable future demands cardio and muscle mass for immune health and protein storage in case of illness. The workouts are back, for yet a different reason.

2025 12 03

• I cannot maintain my unpolished public surface. It is too old and large and generally overwhelming.

• Too many perceptions, ideas, visions, each worth too little to formulate, swarm the space.
• When reasoning fails to motivate, language becomes useless - it is itself a construction of reason.
• I become mute, and, as far the spiritstream can currently tell, inexistent.
• Only the inbox can carry the newest information because trying to structure it immediately leads to total blockage.

• Most people are probably not qualified to teach because they have forgotten or can't empathize with the beginner's mind and will teach what they personally currently find most relevant, which, for experts, is most often deep understanding of fundamentals while delaying experimentation. Meanwhile, a beginner may want to meet the field more practically, or is even driven by specific ideas to implement.
• Andrej Karpathy's approach of "You don't understand it if you can't build it" and encouraging from scratch educational reimplementation seems more aligned with at least my mind.

• The main use of world models seems to be avoiding more stupid ones. It may not be obvious which work best until all others are tried.